Hello September :)

11 August was such a big deal to everyone.
For those yang nak pursue their studies in degree mainly.

Students from STPM, Asasi, Matrikulasi & also Diploma would have to compete among each other since dari final exam sampailah interview session.

Alhamdulillah thanks to Allah cause he answered my doa to pursue my LLB in UKM.
Bila semua tanya : Why tak continue kat UiTM, it's the best law school kot.

It is not about to study at one particular place yang gah or on top of the world,
I believe it is all about how you're going to bring yourself and your life better towards a better learning condition.

No, I'm not saying UiTM is a bad environment to study, it is such a pleasure to spend almost a year doing my foundation.
I learnt a lot of things there but I just need to move and travel to another place and I was pretty sure with myself that my heart wished for UKM.

I could literally feel the challenging atmosphere masa interview haritu sebab mostly ramai chinese and indian, ain't that supposed to be a good thing? :)
Even in Islam, kita digalakkan not to stay at one particular place, we have to move around or berhijrah.

I believe that's how life has taught me, to meet a lot of people, to make friends with them.
From Lenggong to KL and next was Shah Alam and this time it's going to be Bangi, so hello Bangi people :)
Let's leave this here and move on to the next issue.

The thing is, for those yang tak dapat UPU/dapat tapi bukan first choice/dapat tapi jauh/dapat & ada financial crisis :

Put your hands together and pray to Allah. Tell him how sad you are but you still redha dengan apa yang dia dah tetapkan. Tell him to make you feel more stronger so that you could face this. Tell him to make you feel at peace so that you could think wiser of taking the next steps. Tell him everything that you ever wished for. After all, kat siapa lagi kita nak mengadu?

Those yang dah appeal, please be mindful of yourself.
Allah won't put you in devastated condition just because He likes it, He knew what He's currently planning. Thus, tawakkal lepas berusaha.

and to those juniors yang tengah study either in foundation, matriks etc,
Please jangan banyak main and strive your very best not only masa waktu exam, but also strive dalam menjaga hubungan dengan Allah, jaga hubungan dengan manusia : Habbluminallah Habluminannas.

Bila rasa nak give up dengan belajar or stress out, ingat balik tempat mengadu kita.
Busy macam mana pun dengan kelas cause I am fully aware dengan jadual foundation yang extremely packed, but please ingat like my mom always said "Solat jangan tinggal"

Dalam kelas, manners jaga, either dengan lecturers, classmates, makcik cleaner, guard etc.
Don't fool yourself telling others to respect you just because you're a law student when you're doing otherwise, that's not the way honey.

Thus, please, I ingat lagi Madam Atifah selalu pesan : "Biarlah saya mengajar orang bodoh tak reti baca yang buta tuli asalkan dia ada manners"

Goodluck everyone and congratulations :)

Self Confessed Dream Junkie

I have no idea on how many times did I cry whenever bangun dari tidur.
It's like there is this one time you decide nak tidur awal sebab taknak stay up late so that you won't be overthinking about stuff or ended up talking to strangers on Omegle - omg that is so Teah.

Tapi bila dah mula tidur awal and have a good sleep pattern, you will start to have a couple of dreams that looks so real like if there's this one person tryna hold your hands or touch you, you still can feel their gestures and soft touches bila bangun.

I told my mom "Yah ada mimpi pasal crime scene. There's this one van yang bawak mayat and all of sudden when they open the door, tiba tiba the body gone missing."
and she replied me with this : Kalau dah pagi petang siang malam tengok foxcrime, mana taknya mimpi macam tu.

Oh k.

Then ada this one dream pasal our previous prime minister and I asked my mom "Kali ni apa pulak maksud dia? Don't tell me about cabinets and parliaments cause clearly tak pernah pergi sana pun."

and this one dream where I ran all over a house because ada this one culprit tryna catches me and kat tangan dia ada gun.
Right before dia tarik picu where he already pointed the gun towards my face, I terus bangun lol.

K enough those dreams are acceptable sebab tak bagi effect pun on my daily routines.
But lately I constantly have a lot of dreams about this one person and I don't seem to like it at all.

The thing is whenever I have the dream of this particular person, the next day when I wake up I will feel my heart aches and bleeding in a way I can't explain.
I would definitely start to look at things and merenung till some points my mom akan tanya "Kenapa ni?"

This time I won't tell her because I promise myself I won't mention about the person anymore.
But you know it is such a pain to keep it all to yourself and sometimes you feel so scared to fall asleep.

I did some readings on dreams and their meanings.
Some of the articles state the same things :

"Maybe you're not happy right now. Thus, your subconscious of mind trying to bring you back all those good memories with the person you loved the most."

Whenever I read this line again and again, I feel the pain in my chest like omg teruk sangat ke aku layan diri aku? Since when I didn't pay much attention to my body?

"Maybe you're denying a lot of stuff lately. Thus, all those unspoken words that your mind have when you are fully awake is actually trying to let it all out in your dreams."

This is so true but it's not I am denying stuff or any kind of feelings or situations.
I just want to be more stronger and mature by not paying attention to any stupid feelings.

"Maybe you have a lot of questions to ask that person. Things might not be settled in a good way back then."

Maybe but lemme repeat : I don't want those kind of questions or uncertainties or memories because I don't care anymore. 

I might be broken for now but thanks God I always ended up having peace on my prayer mat and telling Him all of this bila taknak bagi tau my mom.

My friend once told me "Whenever you find yourself questioning on certain things that happened but you don't really wanna know the answers, pray to Him to let you be stronger in facing the realities. Tell Him the pain you have endured, don't be embarrassing to cry whenever you can."

Random Fiction

pg 158-159

After an hour the wind dies down,
so the kite-flying part of our day is over.

I pull out my phone and check the clock,
My stomach's telling me it's time to eat something.

I quickly reply to a text from Madison,
then I'm back to wondering what comes next with Cade.

"Heads, sushi," I say.
"Tails, Chinese."

"Well, it better be tails because I don't do sushi."

"You don't do sushi? Christ, kill me now!"

I pick up a small stick and pretend to stab it into my chest,
and drop to the sand on my back.

I lie there with my eyes closed.

Warm breath on my neck,
Soft shiver down my spine.

Sweet words whispered in my ear,
"But with you, I might try anything."

- Lisa Schroeder, The Day Before

of Green Fingers & Ulangtahun

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue.

Sunflowers are yellow.

I bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just gardening facts :D

So the day I went to UKM for my interview, I beli biji benih bunga matahari kat Tesco Kajang.

I have no idea what I was thinking like OMG Teah nak menanam seriously?

Maybe this plant could remark the biggest day of my life like Hey it's my babysteps to enter the next level of legal field so why not if I spend my money on sunflower seeds? :D

Happy two months baby!

I asked my mom "Kenapa tak keluar bunga lagi? Dah dua bulan ni"

and then she came out with this "Kena banyak bersabar. Eh tengok ni dah keluar pucuk dia, ha tak lama lagi ada lah bunga nya. Besar tau bunga dia nanti"

Hey little tiny creature, keluar lah cepat :(

My mom pesan tanam pokok ni memang kena banyak bersabar.

Sometimes you plant something and you don't expect it to grow as fast as you were expecting cause it could actually die due to some circumstances.

Macam tu jugak dengan hidup.

Kita ni plan memacam tapi esok belum tentu lagi kita ni hidup atau tak.

Deep jugak tanam tanam pokok ni like it gives us the meaning of life to have some patience in doing something :)

My mom ada tanam satu pokok ni bila mana asal orang datang rumah they will keep saying :

"Eh cantiknya pokok ni. Ni bukan ke pokok yang selalu orang cina tanam?" or 

"Nanti kalau ada benih, saya nak boleh? Cantiknya" or

"Haritu saya ada tanam tapi tak rasi, this time nak ambik anak pokok terus boleh?"

Pokok burung :)

Actually anak benih pokok ni was given by Ma, the chinese neighbor selang satu rumah.

She told my mom not everyone boleh bela pokok ni since dia perlukan keserasian dengan owner dia, ikut kepercayaan dia lah.

See, bentuk burung? That's why orang panggil pokok burung :)

While my mom tengah gembur gembur tanah nak letak baja tahi ayam kat Encik Bunga Matahari and other pokok, I helped her cari biji benih.

Usually biji benih ni ada kat pokok burung tu sendiri so you just find the one yang dah a little bit rotten and kering pastu tanam balik kat dalam pasu dia.

Like this one tak rotten lagi so biarkan.

Ha this one dah garing so boleh ambik and tanam balik dalam pasu but first you have to break it apart sebab dalam biji ni ada lagi 3 anak benih.

Nak jaga pokok burung is really complicated, my mom la yang cakap.

Kena selalu bagi attention like belek belek and kena letak kat tempat teduh.

But it's really worth kot sebab impressive to have a plant that actually imitate another creature which is a bird :)

This is my mom's another plant, pokok balung ayam. Eh yeke eja watevah.

Awak yang duduk dalam pasu aloe vera kita tengah buat apa tuuu!

of funeral & Allah's plans

Went to a funeral yesterday with my family.
This is my second time attending funeral, for real.

Ayah kepada kawan kakak meninggal and we received the phone call at 3am.
My dad decided nak pergi jugak funeral tu kat Kedah eventhough penat sebab the day before drive pergi balik Tanjung Malim sebab hal kakak.

The family used to attend my brother's wedding on February and he was so happy at that time and telling all other family members "Nak pergi kenduri kahwin kat Lenggong ni"

Bertolak dari rumah after subuh and sampai Ayer Hitam dalam pukul 10 lebih macam tu.
Ramai gila yang ada kat depan rumah arwah plus hari Jumaat kan cuti for rakyat Kedah.

Right on time je kitaorang sampai sebab orang dah ramai dalam rumah tu nak solat jenazah.
Then my dad decide nak ikut pergi kubur while my mom, kakak and I decide nak stay kat rumah tu and approach family kawan kakak.

This is my first time seeing all these with my eyes.
Each and every person yang peluk wife Arwah akan bisik something kat telinga dia and kiss dua-dua belah pipi dia.

Maybe everyone akan cakap "Be strong" or "Allah lebih sayangkan dia".
I have no idea nak cakap apa time peluk wife arwah so I just rub her back.

She sat with us after that.
"Arwah berhenti kerja 23 April hari tu lepaih habaq mai dia tak larat dah"

I saw a lorry outside the house and I assumed her husband must be a driver of a lorry.
She continued "Masa bulan posa haritu dia dok habaq pi ja la tarawih, jangan dok seriau dia. Haih takkan nak biaq pi dia gitu ja".

Deep in my heart I knew she doesn't have to put a lot of effort in telling others how much she loved her husband.
She told my mom lately dia takda selera nak makan plus her husband kept asking her "Dah pukui berapa ni" and "Akma balik bila?" Akma, anak kedua dia and kawan kepada my sister.

While she continued with her stories, I saw my mom's face.
She must be wondering how it feels like to lose your husband at the young age of your marriage.
Arwah died at a very young age, 52 years old.

While me at that time I'm asking myself "Me myself dah ready ke nak hilang my very own dad?"
No ones ask for any kind of losing among your family but we knew cepat atau lambat, benda tu akan jadi.

I still remember telling my friend how overprotective my dad was and he told me this :
"I don't know man, someday you gotta travel by your own and stand on your own feet. I believe every father out there is trying to protect their daughters selagi diaorang masih hidup and thus you should not question when he does that okay sweety?"

Some things are beyond planning.
and life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart.
You don't plan for an autistic child.
You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.
You don't plan to be young forever.

You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful.
You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe.
You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad.
You don't plan to be hurt.
You don't plan to be broke.
You don't plan to be betrayed.
You don't plan to be alone in this world.

You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes, if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But most of the times, what you want and what you get are two different things.

We, mortals, plan.
But so does Allah in the heavens.

Sometimes it is difficult to understand Allah's plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours.

Often, when He sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. 
True, we cannot choose what Allah wishes us to carry, but we can carry it with courage knowing that He will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with. 

Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul.
He breaks our heart to make us whole. 

Sometimes, he allows pain so we can be stronger.
He sends us failure so we can be humble.

Sometimes, he allows illness so we can take a better care of ourselves.
He takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans people but understand that we live by Allah's grace.