This is my second time attending funeral, for real.
Ayah kepada kawan kakak meninggal and we received the phone call at 3am.
My dad decided nak pergi jugak funeral tu kat Kedah eventhough penat sebab the day before drive pergi balik Tanjung Malim sebab hal kakak.
The family used to attend my brother's wedding on February and he was so happy at that time and telling all other family members "Nak pergi kenduri kahwin kat Lenggong ni"
Bertolak dari rumah after subuh and sampai Ayer Hitam dalam pukul 10 lebih macam tu.
Ramai gila yang ada kat depan rumah arwah plus hari Jumaat kan cuti for rakyat Kedah.
Right on time je kitaorang sampai sebab orang dah ramai dalam rumah tu nak solat jenazah.
Then my dad decide nak ikut pergi kubur while my mom, kakak and I decide nak stay kat rumah tu and approach family kawan kakak.
This is my first time seeing all these with my eyes.
Each and every person yang peluk wife Arwah akan bisik something kat telinga dia and kiss dua-dua belah pipi dia.
Maybe everyone akan cakap "Be strong" or "Allah lebih sayangkan dia".
I have no idea nak cakap apa time peluk wife arwah so I just rub her back.
She sat with us after that.
"Arwah berhenti kerja 23 April hari tu lepaih habaq mai dia tak larat dah"
I saw a lorry outside the house and I assumed her husband must be a driver of a lorry.
She continued "Masa bulan posa haritu dia dok habaq pi ja la tarawih, jangan dok seriau dia. Haih takkan nak biaq pi dia gitu ja".
Deep in my heart I knew she doesn't have to put a lot of effort in telling others how much she loved her husband.
She told my mom lately dia takda selera nak makan plus her husband kept asking her "Dah pukui berapa ni" and "Akma balik bila?" Akma, anak kedua dia and kawan kepada my sister.
While she continued with her stories, I saw my mom's face.
She must be wondering how it feels like to lose your husband at the young age of your marriage.
Arwah died at a very young age, 52 years old.
While me at that time I'm asking myself "Me myself dah ready ke nak hilang my very own dad?"
No ones ask for any kind of losing among your family but we knew cepat atau lambat, benda tu akan jadi.
I still remember telling my friend how overprotective my dad was and he told me this :
"I don't know man, someday you gotta travel by your own and stand on your own feet. I believe every father out there is trying to protect their daughters selagi diaorang masih hidup and thus you should not question when he does that okay sweety?"
Some things are beyond planning.
and life doesn't always turn out as planned.
You don't plan for a broken heart.
You don't plan for an autistic child.
You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.
You don't plan to be young forever.
You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful.
You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe.
You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.
You don't plan to be sad.
You don't plan to be hurt.
You don't plan to be broke.
You don't plan to be betrayed.
You don't plan to be alone in this world.
You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.
Sometimes, if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But most of the times, what you want and what you get are two different things.
We, mortals, plan.
But so does Allah in the heavens.
Sometimes it is difficult to understand Allah's plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours.
Often, when He sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger.
True, we cannot choose what Allah wishes us to carry, but we can carry it with courage knowing that He will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.
Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul.
He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Sometimes, he allows pain so we can be stronger.
He sends us failure so we can be humble.
Sometimes, he allows illness so we can take a better care of ourselves.
He takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.
Make plans people but understand that we live by Allah's grace.